Why Do I Love Someone Who Hurts Me: The Power of Toxic Love

Why Do I Love Someone Who Hurts Me: The Power of Toxic Love

It’s common to experience feelings of love for someone who may not be treating us right. The human mind and heart are complex, and what we want and need in relationships may not always align with what we actually get. This article will explore the power of toxic love and why we may continue to love someone who hurts us.

The Definition of Toxic Love

Toxic love is a difficult concept to define because it can manifest in many ways. Generally, toxic love involves a relationship dynamic where one or both partners engage in behavior that is harmful or detrimental to the other’s well-being. This can include emotional manipulation, gaslighting, physical abuse, and other forms of mistreatment.

The Psychology of Loving Someone Who Hurts Us

Loving someone who hurts us can be a complicated emotional experience. There are several systems in the brain that contribute to why we feel the way we do, including attachment, reward, and cognitive biases. Some studies suggest that our attachment style, which is formed in early childhood through interactions with caregivers, can influence the types of relationships we form as adults.

The Role of the Reward System

When we receive positive reinforcement for our behavior, the brain releases dopamine, a neurotransmitter associated with pleasure and reward. In a toxic relationship, the partner who is abusive or hurtful may also provide moments of pleasure or reward, which can create a cycle of pleasure followed by pain. This cycle can be addictive, and we may continue to seek out the positive reinforcement even though it is outweighed by the negative consequences.

The Impact of Cognitive Biases

Cognitive biases can also play a role in why we continue to love someone who hurts us. One example of this is the “sunk cost fallacy,” where we feel invested in a relationship and continue to put energy into it, even though it may be harmful. We may also engage in “confirmation bias,” where we only seek out information that supports our beliefs about the person we love, even if that information is negative.

Breaking the Cycle of Toxic Love

If you find yourself in a toxic relationship, it’s essential to recognize that it may be difficult to end the cycle of abuse and harm without support. Here are a few steps you can take to start breaking the cycle of toxic love:

  • Recognize the signs of a toxic relationship: It’s important to be able to identify when a relationship is no longer healthy. If you’re experiencing emotional or physical abuse, it’s essential to take steps to protect yourself.
  • Set boundaries: For some relationships, setting boundaries may be an effective way to stop the cycle of toxicity. This could involve being clear about what you will and won’t tolerate, and what you need from your partner to feel safe and respected.
  • Seek support: Whether that’s through friends, family, or a therapist, it is essential to have a support system in place when leaving a toxic relationship. This can be a challenging time, and having someone to talk to can make all the difference.
  • Attend therapy: Working with a therapist can be incredibly helpful when dealing with the effects of toxic love. A therapist can help you explore your attachment style, understand your patterns of behavior, and work on building healthy relationships.

The Importance of Self-Love

One of the most important things you can do when leaving a toxic relationship is developing self-love. This means focusing on your own well-being, taking care of yourself physically and emotionally, and learning to value who you are. Developing self-love can be a lifelong process, but it can help you build healthier relationships in the future.


Loving someone who hurts us can be a challenging experience. It’s important to recognize that toxic love is not healthy or desirable, and that there are steps we can take to break the cycle. By seeking support, setting boundaries, and focusing on self-love, individuals can end toxic relationships and build healthier ones in the future.


  • Why do I love someone who hurts me?
    There are several reasons why individuals may continue to love someone who hurts them. These include attachment styles, the influence of reward and cognitive biases, and emotional addiction.
  • How can I break the cycle of toxic love?
    Breaking the cycle of toxic love can involve setting boundaries, seeking support, and attending therapy. It’s also essential to focus on developing self-love and valuing your own well-being.
  • Is it possible to have a healthy relationship with someone who has hurt me in the past?
    It’s essential to take steps to heal from past traumas before entering into a relationship with someone who has hurt you. However, if both individuals are committed to growth and change, it may be possible to build a healthy relationship in the future.


Elliott, R. S., & Culhane, S. E. (2018). Exploring the phenomenon of ambivalent relationships: The complexities of love, hate, and everything in between. The Family Journal, 26(3), 226-233.

Gómez-Parra, M. E., Calvete, E., & Miró, E. (2019). Perceived Love, Dominance, and Perpetration of Emotional Abuse: The Moderating Roles of Indispensability Beliefs and Emotional Dependency. Journal of Interpersonal Violence, 0886260519851303.

Kirschner, H., & Kirschner, S. (2018). Why we may love the one who is hurting us: A greater love theory. Current Psychology, 37(1), 67-75.

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